Conversations

i'm not sure about a lot of things in my life right now. Things seem so up in the air as i struggle to make a living. i want nothing more than happiness for everyone i love but that's not the easiest thing to do. i can't tell if He's happy all the time... is it just His pain that clouds His actions? i was told He's not an emotional person but perhaps i didn't expect Him to be quite like this. oh .. it's not too bad. i don't doubt He loves me ... or my family ... but it's just not easy to read Him. Don't think He got a lot of nurturing love during His formative years ... hell, i know He didn't. That's so sad. No child should ever feel the way He did .... no child should have the childhood that He did. Sure .. eventually there was love .... but by then the groundwork had been laid. It's sad but all i can do is show Him now ... and thats what i try to do daily ... it's just gonna take some time i suppose. Rome wasn't built overnight ....

What to do ...what to do .....

well life has been a little bit busy and He has been ill....... again ..... or rather still. Between my back and hip pain and his pain, i'm not a happy camper. It takes all i have to get my butt outta bed and to work every day. i can feel the depression sitting on my shoulders but whats a girl to do. i try to psyc myself up enough to participate in life but it gets harder every day. i have feelings about people that only add to it. Sometimes having those extra "feelings" are NOT helping.

i feel like i am in a fight with something i can't see but can only feel closing in around me. All i want to do is sleep and life is begining to become something i would rather not do. i have to figure out what to do before it gets the better of me but thats not getting any easier. Sometimes it scares me ... i wonder just what the hell i am going to do to keep my head above the water.

Yes .. No ... Yes ...

Sometimes theres no pleasing Him. I wish he could realize that my rules are a lot more flexable than His. My family ... my son ... has lived 11 years with my rules and now he has to adjust to new rules. It's not an overnight change but He thinks it should be. Not only is my son having to deal with learning new rules .. i am too. It's hard for both of us. I'm old enough to deal with them .. he on the other hand is just getting into the stage where he is descovering more of himself and he is pushing the boundries. well up till now he knew what the rules to the game were ... then they get changed. He tries to handle the changes but it's not always easy for him. I try not to go to the rescue but thats not always easy for me. DAMN IT!

Oh well, guess theres not much i can do about it. I just want peace, harmony and love in this house ... well along with some cuffs and shackles ...

The other woman .........

The other woman in this place is .... cigarettes. He has to have them. I try and try to figure out what i can do to lessen his need but, well like they say HE has to want to quit. He needs to quit for himself .. not for me or anyone else. It just hurts me when i watch him smoke because... well each one shortens his life. Thats the bottom line for me. I want him to be healthy. Smoking is not healthy. Not much else i can say on that subject. Just that sometimes it bothers me. But i knew he was a smoker before he moved in and, like i said before, he smokes outside and that his compromise. I should be happy about it and i will try to be.

Went to the doc today for a check on my blood pressure, they had given me a new med to add because the old one wasn't cutting it anymore. Well the new additive works. Blood pressure is reallly good now. That good news.

Aaaaany way .. tomorrow is my Friday and its also the day that i have to swing by my son's school to see whose room he will be in this year. He's in the 6th grade now ... i just need to get him to learn to do for himself instead of having mommy do it for him.

So now its getting late. Even though the better blood pressure has been helping me sleep better, i still need to get some sleep ... who knows ... maybe i can convince Master of why he needs to keep me away tonight ........... one never knows ....

Ramblings ......

Went to the movies last night. Nothing special about that except that the ex is the one who paid ... for Master, myself and my son. Imagine that .. i was certainly shocked. We went to see the new GI Joe movie. I tell you what ... that Channing Tatum is one HOT lookin man! I had heard of him before but i usually don't pay much attention to them ... well its hard not to notice when hes on this big ole screen right in front of you .... fans self ... oh yes ... thats right ladies. Too bad we're all too old and hes too hip to care about us. Oh well we all have to have our dreams. It was really cute to see my son watching the movie. He couldn't take his eyes off the screen ...the anticipation on his face, even in the dark, was really cute. He had one of those "box meals" so after he finished the popcorn and the M&M's he neatly folded the box up and was chewing on it ... in anticipation of what would happen next. It was the sweetest thing.

Aaaany way, today was an ok day at work. But its getting hot again. Master seems to b e a little bit angry ... or maybe its not anger .. maybe its the heat or he just doesn't feel good. I don't know what it is exactally but it keeps me on edge. I have to really watch what i say because sometimes if i say it wrong he gets mad. I hate it when he gets mad. It seems i'm the cause and i hate to be the cause of anything. I guess its like they say ... I have a very responsible position around here .... something goes wrong, i'm responsible. sighs

Well then .......................

Sights .. sounds ... and smells

Ok so around here you don't see too many strange things. Once I watched 3 guys drive a truck down the somewhat dry riverbed behind my house .. get it stuck then run like hell when they realized someone was watching them. See, they use that area of the river to bring the stolen cars or trucks .. strip them .. and then torch them. Not a good thing when the foliage on the river banks is dry and goes up in flames very easily. That's something you live with when you live on the river. Idiots are always messing around with things ... and fires are not an uncommon thing. Its to the point that we don't even call 911, we just call the fire dept on the other side of the river because they get here in 5 minutes vs the 20 mins or so when you call the 911 dispatch.

My neighbor is the one who always HEARS the fire. Out here they make a definite sound. The other side of the river is loaded with bamboo and when it burns there's a lot of snapping and popping. She hears that. I don't hear it until I'm awake and outside looking at where the fire is and where its going. If its coming near my house I wanna be ready to go. I've had a house burn down once in my life and I don't wanna do it ever again.

My gift is smelling it. I can be in a deep sleep and the smell of the fire will wake me up. Even then I don't hear it .. but I sure can smell it, so I know its burning. I smell lots of things. The smell of a fire burning, as long as its burning foliage and not trash, is kinda nice actually.

One smell I don't like ... is the smell of Master's cigarettes. He probably gonna get upset at this one but .. oh well .. I'm not sayin anything he doesn't already know. They say that sometimes smells will bring back memories. My mom smokes and I hate it .. Master smokes and I hate it. One of the worst is that he smokes right before bed and when he comes to bed ... he stinks. But when you love someone you overlook the shortcomings. This is one I choose to overlook. But I am tryin to get him to cut back then quit. Not just because I don't like the smell but because it's not good for him. He does smoke outside and I love him for that. But he doesn't always smell bad. When he's fresh outta the shower ... Mmmmm he smells absolutly wonderful! I love the smell of clean and when that smell is on my man .... HELL YEAH! ... thats the best smell around!

The long and winding road ....

Around here, sleep is a precious commodity sometimes. Last night was one of those nights. What a mess. He tosses and turns. I have to just lay there because of the back pain. I hate back pain. It's not fun at all. I've lived with it for years ... like 20 or so. You think i would be used to it but nope ... i don't think that you ever get used to pain.

So last night i took a Soma. Something that i don't do too often because they knock me on my ass, though they do help with the pain. Anyway, took a soma before i went to bed so i expected to be a lil pained for a while. I'm layin there .. its been like an hour/hour an a half since i have taken my pill and i hurt. Turning takes effort so i don't bother to turn, its not gonna help anyway untill ..... the pain in my hip screams at me to "roll over and get off me". So i roll .. get comfy again and the whole thing starts over. He seems to be sleeping so i try to be easy about the roll but you have to sit up, turn, lay back down ... its hard not to disturb the one next to you. Even if i had one of those mattresses that doesn't move the whole thing when you move .... theres no way to hide movement when you have to sit all the way up!

Anyway the bottom line is that i hate the pain and it loves me. The soma makes me loopy all day the next day and it still hurts my hips. I hate getting old!!